People Pleasing: When others always come first

What is the definition of people pleasing?

The English term people pleasing describes the tendency to constantly want to please other people.

It is important to note, however, that people pleasing is not a mental illness or an official diagnosis. Rather, the term describes a psychological phenomenon that is associated with certain personality traits. As with all psychological phenomena, we assume that it develops from a mixture of learning experiences and predispositions that are inherited from birth.

What signs are typical of people pleasers?

What is the difference between people pleasing and normal helpfulness, forgiveness and joy at the recognition of others? These are all good and wonderful qualities. However, people pleasing also involves a constant worry about what others think of you. A people pleaser constantly observes his or her own behavior through the eyes of others and adapts his or her own thoughts, feelings and actions accordingly. In other words: a people pleaser does or doesn't do things so that others like him or her.

Possible signs that you are prone to people pleasing:

• You find it hard to say "no," so you usually say "yes" to invitations, even if you don't feel like it or don't have the time. You have to come up with a really good excuse to say no.
• You usually don't address problems and dissatisfaction because you want to avoid conflicts and arguments at all costs.
• You rarely express your own wishes, needs and opinions because the wishes and needs of others seem much more important to you.
• You give your all to be a good mother, a good father, a good friend or a good partner – even when you are actually completely exhausted and have neither time nor energy left.
• You apologize excessively and feel guilty – even for things that were not your fault.

What negative consequences can people pleasing have?

Of course it is nice to see other people happy. But the constant tendency not to step on anyone's toes and to try to please others can also be a burden. You may find yourself constantly overstepping your own limits and always putting yourself second – or eighth. You may not get your own wishes fulfilled, or you may not enjoy joint projects because you always take on the tasks that others don't want to do. You may feel exhausted from constantly struggling with yourself or have a guilty conscience for having disappointed someone. Perhaps anger and frustration are building up because you have once again done what others supposedly expect of you for the sake of peace. Or you may withdraw because you want to avoid difficult situations or conflict.

All of these can be consequences of people pleasing, and they probably won't do you any good in the long run. It's worth getting to the bottom of your own behavior and seeing if and where you want to change something.

What are the causes behind people pleasing?

There is no single reason why people pleasers exhibit certain behaviors. We all have our own personal life story that has shaped our personality and character. However, we have listed the experiences that could have possibly promoted the character traits of a people pleaser here:

If you were exposed to a lot of conflicts in childhood and adolescence that were not resolved constructively or productively, you may develop people-pleaser traits. What does that mean? If you haven't learned that conflicts can also have positive outcomes - namely, if they lead to solutions and there is reconciliation afterwards - then conflict can be something threatening for you. Typically, affected people sometimes develop the negative belief that they are responsible for making others feel better again.

One or more periods of strong negative experiences, such as a year of bullying at school, can also lead to people pleasing later on. Those affected can develop a tendency to do everything they can to ensure that such a catastrophe never happens again - for example, by always adapting themselves to others.

People who are particularly conscientious or perfectionistic can also display character traits of a people pleaser. This is not necessarily due to a fear of rejection, but rather a need to always do everything perfectly and to meet the demands placed on them.

You didn't have a difficult childhood and still feel like a people pleaser? Perhaps it was just normal in your family that the focus was always on others. One or more important people in your childhood may have behaved like a people pleaser and you copied this behavior from the people you cared for. And perhaps that wasn't a problem at all in the first 15 years of your life - after all, everyone behaved like that and so your needs weren't neglected.

Is people pleasing always a problem?

This brings us to a very important point. People pleasing doesn't always have to be a problem. People who are people pleasers often display many positive character traits. They are often people who are very sensitive to what is going on around them. When you go through the world trying to please everyone, you automatically learn "how other people tick". You may be very good at reading people and show a high level of emotional intelligence. These are skills that other people have to work hard to develop. People pleasers often have particularly good, long and close friendships. They often don't have a hard time getting along and making connections in a professional context. Other people often just like them.

The context decides

Whether people pleasing is problematic also depends very much on the context. When a group of people pleasers meet in a circle of friends or a family, often none of these people have a problem. You are not the problem because you are a people pleaser. Suffering arises when you find yourself in an environment in which your behavior does not match the behavior of other people and your needs are neglected as a result. So the question is not how you can completely change your personality. Rather, it is about developing new skills that can help you stand up for yourself in situations or contexts in which something does not fit.

What to do: Create new experiences

In most cases, people pleasing is based on the fear of rejection and/or the loss of your social group. In order to change this deep-seated fear bit by bit, it is important that you try out new behavior and gain positive, corrective experiences. What we mean by this is: learn to say "no", set boundaries and communicate your needs.  

Easier said than done. To make this really work, you need to prepare well. If possible, you shouldn't try out a new behavior for the first time in a difficult situation. So what does that mean? Try not to wait until the next argument to say "no" for the first time. Instead, find simple situations to practice in. We would like to present you with two options for this:

Practice with people who really like you and who care about you. And even better - practice first with people who you have prepared for it. For example, talk to a good friend and say to her: "Look, I might say no or cancel more often in the near future. I'm trying to learn to listen more to my needs and limits. And I dare to do that with you because I know that our friendship is so strong that it can handle it." And believe it or not, your friend will not only put up with it, she will probably even be happy for you if it works out and you say "no" once in a while.

Another option is to choose relationships that are less important to you. This is where people pleasing is particularly evident. How does it work? This means, for example, admitting to the hairdresser that you don't like the new haircut and would like something else. Or sending something back in a restaurant if you got the wrong dish. This can be very unpleasant, but with the waiter you don't have a friendship that could fall apart - so it's perfect for practicing your "no".

Conclusion: People pleasing doesn’t have to be a bad thing

Friendliness, tolerance, empathy and helpfulness are important characteristics, values ​​and strengths that we need more of in our society. The goal should therefore not be to break these habitual characteristics, to harden ourselves and to shut ourselves off from those who need help.

And by doing so, you are ultimately doing the people around you a favor. Because only when you are at peace with yourself and can stand up for yourself do you have enough energy to really be there for others. So it's a win-win situation!